How is it Possible?

During all of this miscarriage ordeal there was one thought that went through my head, I am scared.  I even kept saying that to my husband.  Not just in the days leading up to the whole shebang when we were going back and forth to the doctors and holding our breath for "good levels" and promising ultrasounds, but more so when I was in the hospital.  I am not new to hospitals and surgery due to several experiences over the last few years, including 2 c-sections but this time was different.  I felt like I had no control over my body and no way to stop the inevitable.  I was also constantly feeling like I was on the verge of passing out.  I had blacked out the night before and fallen and just that total lack of control was scaring me.  I knew my husband was right there and I knew I was within arms reach of doctors and nurses but fear was the over riding emotion.

I think it confused my husband a little to hear me say I was scared.  I talked about that more than the actual pain and at one point I asked him to say a prayer for me.  I know that scared him but I just had never felt that kind of fear.  Maybe it was because I knew that when I woke up from surgery things would be different.  Maybe I was scared of the feelings that would follow.  Or maybe I was just scared to go under anesthesia because I have two small children.  I didn't want to be one of those freak accidents where the patient doesn't wake up!  The scariest part of all was when I was wheeled away from my husband to the operating room...just me and these strangers that were about to operate on me.  My mind had to go to another place at that moment and thankfully I really don't remember much about the time leading up it.

When I woke up from surgery my first feeling was relief that the pain was over and then the fear resumed.  Maybe this is normal but for me it felt so weird to just be scared.  I hadn't felt like that since being a child.  So right then and every day following my prayer has been pretty simple:  God, please help me through this fear.  Give me peace of mind.

Every time a thought creeps that makes me fear that day or what may come in the following days, weeks, years I say that little prayer again.  And I have to say, God has not let me down.  When friends ask how I am doing I tell them I am doing pretty good.  And its the truth.  I cautiously go into each day and then find myself surprised at how ok I feel.  Sure I have moments of sadness/madness/doubt but overall I have felt unafraid.  Today I was riding in my car and I just became aware of how happy I felt right then.  I thought to myself, "How can I possibly feel happy?"  I know I have a lot to be thankful for but I really thought that when I left the hospital it would be a LONG time before I felt genuinely happy and here I was feeling that way.  The happiness comes from a feeling of peace.  I know I didn't just bring that on myself...God heard my one simple prayer to just give me peace of mind and He did.

Sometimes the best reminders that God is watching over us is just in one fleeting moment during our day.  One quiet car ride where suddenly you realize you are happy and you don't take it for granted but remember that it is a prayer answered.