Gumby

Thats who I feel like these days...like I am being stretched and pulled into a new version of me.  Sometimes it feels as though I can't stretch anymore in this new direction, others I am excited to see what my new normal will look like.  It all just takes a lot of trust and faith and I am happy to have a dependable God to put it all in!

How is it Possible?

During all of this miscarriage ordeal there was one thought that went through my head, I am scared.  I even kept saying that to my husband.  Not just in the days leading up to the whole shebang when we were going back and forth to the doctors and holding our breath for "good levels" and promising ultrasounds, but more so when I was in the hospital.  I am not new to hospitals and surgery due to several experiences over the last few years, including 2 c-sections but this time was different.  I felt like I had no control over my body and no way to stop the inevitable.  I was also constantly feeling like I was on the verge of passing out.  I had blacked out the night before and fallen and just that total lack of control was scaring me.  I knew my husband was right there and I knew I was within arms reach of doctors and nurses but fear was the over riding emotion.

I think it confused my husband a little to hear me say I was scared.  I talked about that more than the actual pain and at one point I asked him to say a prayer for me.  I know that scared him but I just had never felt that kind of fear.  Maybe it was because I knew that when I woke up from surgery things would be different.  Maybe I was scared of the feelings that would follow.  Or maybe I was just scared to go under anesthesia because I have two small children.  I didn't want to be one of those freak accidents where the patient doesn't wake up!  The scariest part of all was when I was wheeled away from my husband to the operating room...just me and these strangers that were about to operate on me.  My mind had to go to another place at that moment and thankfully I really don't remember much about the time leading up it.

When I woke up from surgery my first feeling was relief that the pain was over and then the fear resumed.  Maybe this is normal but for me it felt so weird to just be scared.  I hadn't felt like that since being a child.  So right then and every day following my prayer has been pretty simple:  God, please help me through this fear.  Give me peace of mind.

Every time a thought creeps that makes me fear that day or what may come in the following days, weeks, years I say that little prayer again.  And I have to say, God has not let me down.  When friends ask how I am doing I tell them I am doing pretty good.  And its the truth.  I cautiously go into each day and then find myself surprised at how ok I feel.  Sure I have moments of sadness/madness/doubt but overall I have felt unafraid.  Today I was riding in my car and I just became aware of how happy I felt right then.  I thought to myself, "How can I possibly feel happy?"  I know I have a lot to be thankful for but I really thought that when I left the hospital it would be a LONG time before I felt genuinely happy and here I was feeling that way.  The happiness comes from a feeling of peace.  I know I didn't just bring that on myself...God heard my one simple prayer to just give me peace of mind and He did.

Sometimes the best reminders that God is watching over us is just in one fleeting moment during our day.  One quiet car ride where suddenly you realize you are happy and you don't take it for granted but remember that it is a prayer answered.

Finding My Way Back

My last post on here was about how I needed to blow the dust of my baby books and now I am sad to say that I apparently need to dust off this here blog as well!  Happy Little Olive was my first attempt at blogging and I had big plans to keep it up regularly but as it goes in life, other things got me distracted.  I started TWO more blogs, which I do keep up hence the reason for poor upkeep here on HLO.  I never meant for this blog to replace baby books because I like to have something tangible to hold and show my kids but in my last year of blogging I have realized the perks of keeping things chronicled in digital form. I kind of like the idea of having this permanent log of all my thoughts and ramblings to show my kids too.  Especially since by then they won't even be using pencil and paper for anything!!

I have also been drawn back to HLO because of some recent things going on in our lives.  They are the type of things that don't really have a place on a public mommy blog or my "professional" blog.  They are things that I need to put somewhere but I just couldn't think of the right place.  Ya know how when you go through something big and you want to talk about it for hours on end with anyone semi-close to you?  Well I have been doing that but I am starting to see that look on people's faces when I bring it up again.  The look of not having anything else to say.  They have comforted me, explained the bright side, and commiserated with me on the bad parts.  They have done their part and its just now time for me to process the rest on my own.  Thats a proposition I have never been really great at.  I don't like to just be alone with my thoughts if those thoughts are confusing, overwhelming, and open-ended.  But in an effort to grow and grow up I am trying to learn to just think and feel and come up with answers on my own.  Well not completely alone but with Him.

I have never been one to say that I felt "called" to do or say something.  Sure there have been times when I felt like I was getting a little nudge but never anything that really stood out.  Lately I have felt like there is a little voice telling me to pay attention.  No I haven't heard some booming voice actually say these words, its just been more little signs each day.  I feel like God has put before me several specific people, songs, and experiences to really get my attention.  I know that when life is going good it is easy to just kind of live and not pay attention to the little things.  But man when things go off course your eyes can really be opened to little significant things that you would normally not give a second thought.

After experiencing this life-changing ectopic pregnancy its like I am just totally tuned into the world around me.  Oddly its the one thing that brings me tremendous peace.  I suddenly believe more than ever that there is the man behind the curtain deliberately and perfectly directing everything in my life.  That I feel like that in itself is the perfect explanation of faith.  Somehow this situation, that I didn't want and actually prayed to not happen is the very situation making me believe more than ever that God is real.  Not only that but I feel like He is up to something in my life personally.  When I sit back and think about verses like Jeremiah 29:11:

           For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am reminded that God is always there.  If He made a promise like this, to not harm me and to give me hope than surely He is planning something great out of this miserable situation.  I really do believe that and it makes me less scared about the future.  Sure I have moments when I really don't understand and I am really mad that things had to go this way but the one thought that always brings me back is just knowing that God has plans for me.  

When I think about God having a plan for me, ME little ole me, it makes me feel very blessed.  Truly blessed that I am even on His radar!  I feel even more blessed that right now I am at a place in which I am more aware of what He might be trying to say to me, through other people.  I know someone could argue that these same people could cross my path at any other time and it wouldn't have any meaning but thats exactly my point.  They didn't cross my path at any other time...they did right now.  I think because they would remind me of some really important things.  

This past week as I was regaining a little normalcy and falling back into the routine of get up get showered, pack lunches, load up the car, school, grocery store, make meals, etc I was stopped in my tracks by someone else's pain.  My cleaning lady is not a friend...I mean she is nice and wonderful but we rarely speak other than the usual hey, how are you?  This week I asked the standard,"How are you?" and instead of a canned answer she actually answered that question.  She cried and explained that she was having to move to another state because her boyfriend broke up with her.  She went on to say that it was good because he had been abusive, both mentally and physically.  She also has a young son living in the home with them.  I could feel her pain as she even just thought about having to uproot her life.  Her pain of just having let someone treat her this way and make her feel so horrible.  I don't know whose situation is worse, mine or her's, but in that moment I definitely felt that it was hers.  Its not that someone else's pain made me feel good it just reminded me that there are always worse situations to be in.  That in turn made me feel grateful for my life and for me to feel grateful for my life at this very moment is, well unbelievable.  That situation also did even more for me because as I told her that she would get through this and that she is stronger than she thinks I realized that all of that applies to me too!

She is not the only "sign" I feel like has been placed in my path lately.  There are things happening every day that are grabbing my attention.  So thats why I am back on HLO, to just keep track of the things I am so very aware of right now.  I am human and I know that eventually I will fall completely back into "normal" life where these little messages go unnoticed so I want to remember them.  I want to remember the important life lessons that God wants me to learn and who better to remind me of them than MYSELF.  Plus I would love for my boys to one day read through all of this and understand what I have learned/am learning.  One thing that I would love to instill in them is to just trust God's plans even when they are so very different from your own.  Don't turn your back and be angry, instead chase Him like you never have before.  If you catch a glimpse of Him doing some work in your life, be grateful and stay close to Him so you can see what is in store for you next...it is sure to be GREAT!

This song was playing in my car this week and the words really hit home:

Garden, by NeedToBreathe...

In this hour of doubt I see
Who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you...