3..2..1...goodbye

There is something creeping into our house very quietly.  No it’s not the Spirit of Halloween although I am very excited about my Jersey Shore themed costume.  And no I am not talking about the growing population of those cricket-spider things.  That is a whole other problem that causes me to act irrationally.  I beat one so many times today with my Swiffer mop that Oliver finally said "Mommy its dead." His look was part confusion part terror as he looked at me.  

No, what’s creeping in is this distinct feeling of losing something. My mind has been gone so I know it’s not that.  And as I look around and see everything in its place, i.e. scattered in piles, I know its not something but someone.  I have seen the signs and pretended I didn’t.  I caught the stolen glances and looked the other way.  I act like its not happening because I simply cannot go there again. 

I.am.losing.him.

This is not the first time and I fear it won’t be the last.  And yet there is nothing I can do to stop it.  My friends, I am losing another son to Daddy.  Oh Sullivan still reaches for me and still gives me big gummy kisses but I see him light up when Daddy enters the room.  It’s a different look of recognition.  One that says, “hey you’re that really fun guy!  The one who is loud and wrestles and lets me crawl off the side of the porch!”  I can’t compete with that.  Loud gives me a headache and wrestling is a good way to end up in the emergency room.  And you crawling off the side of the porch is a good way for Mommy and Daddy to have another talk about how Daddy needs to pay more attention and not say things like “aww it’ll make him tough” unless Daddy wants to go over the side of the porch himself!!

I try to act cool and act like it doesn’t bother me when you leave my lap to crawl over to Daddy.  I act like I am thankful for the reprieve because of a pressing matter I have going on in the kitchen but really I go in the other room and swallow a big lump in my throat.  Unfortunately I have seen this little show before with Oliver and I know the ending.  I know that you will love me in a different mommy kind of way but it won’t be the same as these last 10 months.  You won’t just have eyes for me anymore.  I won’t be the first one you look for through the crib slats in the morning and I won’t be the one you choose when we ask who you want to put you to bed.

So I will watch from the sidelines and pretend I really don’t want to get dirty anyways or like I really have to go check that casserole in the oven or something but please remember that there once was a day that you looked at me with that awe.  You stared at me for hours in a dimly lit room and silently thanked me for being comforting.  You gave me those eyes when I laid you down with your blanket and passy all snug just like you like.  You breathed all content while I held you just a little longer than I needed to.  You won’t remember…but I was your first love. 

So I will loosen my grip just enough for you to crawl into Daddy-land knowing somewhere deep down that its just a guy thing and that I am eternally grateful that you have a Daddy who loves you but I swear if you don’t come crying to me after your first heart break I am never speaking to any of you again!