Doctors appointments and updates

Hard to believe that I have not been posting everyday.  You think that when something big happens that you will want to talk about it everyday for a long time.  My whole experience has really made me aware of some true blessings in my life.  First and foremost is my extremely high-maintenance son, Sullivan.  He has  done a great job keeping me so busy and tired that I don't even think about baby #3 most days.  And second is designPOST, my venture into the interior decorating world.  I never thought I could find a passion that would continually keep my interest but thoughts about rugs, lights, and paint colors occupy my mind way more than thinking about IVF.

Those things are not happening by mistake which is just another reminder that nothing happens by mistake or accident.  I am not normally someone who can just wait and see.  I am laid back, yes but not someone who doesn't want a little control and advance notice of how things will play out.  But suddenly I have realized how unproductive worrying is.  I used to hate when people would tell me that worrying is a waste of time because it never really felt like an option not to.  Especially about the "big things" but now I get it.  There is a plan, a detailed perfect plan that will all come together exactly how it should with or without my worrying.  What a relief to FINALLY get that.  It is the reason I am still feeling totally at peace with everything.  My little prayer is still being answered day by day. Yay!

So I went for a follow up appointment and basically I am good to go whenever we are ready.  So now we just have to decide when that is.  For a moment I started to worry about picking the "right" time and then I realized my new little nugget of wisdom and I let that worry go.  The "right" time will present itself.  I will pray about it and let it go.  I will trust my instincts and know that all will work out how it should.  Ahhh, its nice to feel lighter.  And amazing that it took a situation that I would have previously thought would be the end of the world to make me feel that way!

So, we will see what this new year will bring.  Kinda excited I gotta say.  For now though it is birthday bonanza month: Oliver, Sullivan, and little baby Jesus :)

Gumby

Thats who I feel like these days...like I am being stretched and pulled into a new version of me.  Sometimes it feels as though I can't stretch anymore in this new direction, others I am excited to see what my new normal will look like.  It all just takes a lot of trust and faith and I am happy to have a dependable God to put it all in!

How is it Possible?

During all of this miscarriage ordeal there was one thought that went through my head, I am scared.  I even kept saying that to my husband.  Not just in the days leading up to the whole shebang when we were going back and forth to the doctors and holding our breath for "good levels" and promising ultrasounds, but more so when I was in the hospital.  I am not new to hospitals and surgery due to several experiences over the last few years, including 2 c-sections but this time was different.  I felt like I had no control over my body and no way to stop the inevitable.  I was also constantly feeling like I was on the verge of passing out.  I had blacked out the night before and fallen and just that total lack of control was scaring me.  I knew my husband was right there and I knew I was within arms reach of doctors and nurses but fear was the over riding emotion.

I think it confused my husband a little to hear me say I was scared.  I talked about that more than the actual pain and at one point I asked him to say a prayer for me.  I know that scared him but I just had never felt that kind of fear.  Maybe it was because I knew that when I woke up from surgery things would be different.  Maybe I was scared of the feelings that would follow.  Or maybe I was just scared to go under anesthesia because I have two small children.  I didn't want to be one of those freak accidents where the patient doesn't wake up!  The scariest part of all was when I was wheeled away from my husband to the operating room...just me and these strangers that were about to operate on me.  My mind had to go to another place at that moment and thankfully I really don't remember much about the time leading up it.

When I woke up from surgery my first feeling was relief that the pain was over and then the fear resumed.  Maybe this is normal but for me it felt so weird to just be scared.  I hadn't felt like that since being a child.  So right then and every day following my prayer has been pretty simple:  God, please help me through this fear.  Give me peace of mind.

Every time a thought creeps that makes me fear that day or what may come in the following days, weeks, years I say that little prayer again.  And I have to say, God has not let me down.  When friends ask how I am doing I tell them I am doing pretty good.  And its the truth.  I cautiously go into each day and then find myself surprised at how ok I feel.  Sure I have moments of sadness/madness/doubt but overall I have felt unafraid.  Today I was riding in my car and I just became aware of how happy I felt right then.  I thought to myself, "How can I possibly feel happy?"  I know I have a lot to be thankful for but I really thought that when I left the hospital it would be a LONG time before I felt genuinely happy and here I was feeling that way.  The happiness comes from a feeling of peace.  I know I didn't just bring that on myself...God heard my one simple prayer to just give me peace of mind and He did.

Sometimes the best reminders that God is watching over us is just in one fleeting moment during our day.  One quiet car ride where suddenly you realize you are happy and you don't take it for granted but remember that it is a prayer answered.

Finding My Way Back

My last post on here was about how I needed to blow the dust of my baby books and now I am sad to say that I apparently need to dust off this here blog as well!  Happy Little Olive was my first attempt at blogging and I had big plans to keep it up regularly but as it goes in life, other things got me distracted.  I started TWO more blogs, which I do keep up hence the reason for poor upkeep here on HLO.  I never meant for this blog to replace baby books because I like to have something tangible to hold and show my kids but in my last year of blogging I have realized the perks of keeping things chronicled in digital form. I kind of like the idea of having this permanent log of all my thoughts and ramblings to show my kids too.  Especially since by then they won't even be using pencil and paper for anything!!

I have also been drawn back to HLO because of some recent things going on in our lives.  They are the type of things that don't really have a place on a public mommy blog or my "professional" blog.  They are things that I need to put somewhere but I just couldn't think of the right place.  Ya know how when you go through something big and you want to talk about it for hours on end with anyone semi-close to you?  Well I have been doing that but I am starting to see that look on people's faces when I bring it up again.  The look of not having anything else to say.  They have comforted me, explained the bright side, and commiserated with me on the bad parts.  They have done their part and its just now time for me to process the rest on my own.  Thats a proposition I have never been really great at.  I don't like to just be alone with my thoughts if those thoughts are confusing, overwhelming, and open-ended.  But in an effort to grow and grow up I am trying to learn to just think and feel and come up with answers on my own.  Well not completely alone but with Him.

I have never been one to say that I felt "called" to do or say something.  Sure there have been times when I felt like I was getting a little nudge but never anything that really stood out.  Lately I have felt like there is a little voice telling me to pay attention.  No I haven't heard some booming voice actually say these words, its just been more little signs each day.  I feel like God has put before me several specific people, songs, and experiences to really get my attention.  I know that when life is going good it is easy to just kind of live and not pay attention to the little things.  But man when things go off course your eyes can really be opened to little significant things that you would normally not give a second thought.

After experiencing this life-changing ectopic pregnancy its like I am just totally tuned into the world around me.  Oddly its the one thing that brings me tremendous peace.  I suddenly believe more than ever that there is the man behind the curtain deliberately and perfectly directing everything in my life.  That I feel like that in itself is the perfect explanation of faith.  Somehow this situation, that I didn't want and actually prayed to not happen is the very situation making me believe more than ever that God is real.  Not only that but I feel like He is up to something in my life personally.  When I sit back and think about verses like Jeremiah 29:11:

           For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am reminded that God is always there.  If He made a promise like this, to not harm me and to give me hope than surely He is planning something great out of this miserable situation.  I really do believe that and it makes me less scared about the future.  Sure I have moments when I really don't understand and I am really mad that things had to go this way but the one thought that always brings me back is just knowing that God has plans for me.  

When I think about God having a plan for me, ME little ole me, it makes me feel very blessed.  Truly blessed that I am even on His radar!  I feel even more blessed that right now I am at a place in which I am more aware of what He might be trying to say to me, through other people.  I know someone could argue that these same people could cross my path at any other time and it wouldn't have any meaning but thats exactly my point.  They didn't cross my path at any other time...they did right now.  I think because they would remind me of some really important things.  

This past week as I was regaining a little normalcy and falling back into the routine of get up get showered, pack lunches, load up the car, school, grocery store, make meals, etc I was stopped in my tracks by someone else's pain.  My cleaning lady is not a friend...I mean she is nice and wonderful but we rarely speak other than the usual hey, how are you?  This week I asked the standard,"How are you?" and instead of a canned answer she actually answered that question.  She cried and explained that she was having to move to another state because her boyfriend broke up with her.  She went on to say that it was good because he had been abusive, both mentally and physically.  She also has a young son living in the home with them.  I could feel her pain as she even just thought about having to uproot her life.  Her pain of just having let someone treat her this way and make her feel so horrible.  I don't know whose situation is worse, mine or her's, but in that moment I definitely felt that it was hers.  Its not that someone else's pain made me feel good it just reminded me that there are always worse situations to be in.  That in turn made me feel grateful for my life and for me to feel grateful for my life at this very moment is, well unbelievable.  That situation also did even more for me because as I told her that she would get through this and that she is stronger than she thinks I realized that all of that applies to me too!

She is not the only "sign" I feel like has been placed in my path lately.  There are things happening every day that are grabbing my attention.  So thats why I am back on HLO, to just keep track of the things I am so very aware of right now.  I am human and I know that eventually I will fall completely back into "normal" life where these little messages go unnoticed so I want to remember them.  I want to remember the important life lessons that God wants me to learn and who better to remind me of them than MYSELF.  Plus I would love for my boys to one day read through all of this and understand what I have learned/am learning.  One thing that I would love to instill in them is to just trust God's plans even when they are so very different from your own.  Don't turn your back and be angry, instead chase Him like you never have before.  If you catch a glimpse of Him doing some work in your life, be grateful and stay close to Him so you can see what is in store for you next...it is sure to be GREAT!

This song was playing in my car this week and the words really hit home:

Garden, by NeedToBreathe...

In this hour of doubt I see
Who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you... 

My new little venture!

Happy Little Olive has been sitting here getting dusty so it was definitely time to check back in.  I feel the same guilt I do when I look at those baby books.  I pull them out, put them right next to my bed, my keys, my phone anything to get my attention but day after day they just stay blank.  Oliver's is in pretty good shape but Sullivan's is just sad.  So I started this week trying to fill in some of the blanks and hopefully it won't e another year before I do it again.  But, I have also been neglecting my little blog here due to a new project I have been working on.  I am so excited to share my new blog that is going to (hopefully) be a little more public and really loved.  Please check it out when you get a minute!

MOMSIE

I will post more on what we've been up to here later this week!

Not cool, not cool at all.

See those high waters up there?  They belong to Oliver and are making me real sad today.  Not because he could pass for Erkel but because its proof he is getting so big.  I bought these jeans for him not even a month ago and he is already outgrowing them.  I don't know what happened but overnight he has sprouted up about 2 inches.  Maybe a diet of Poptarts and Cheezits really do supply all the nutrition they need?!

Little by little his baby features are going away and being replaced by this smart, funny, grown up little boy.  Sometimes I can look at his fingers and toes and see what they are going to look like on the 15-year-old version of him.  I can almost picture his lanky, little legs hanging out of the bottom of athletic shorts after a sweaty baseball practice.  Is this how my mother-in-law still sees her "little boys"?  Do you forever see them as just a bigger, hairier version of the 4 year old them?  I think I will.  

I want to just stop the clock for a little while.   Take all the to-do's off my list and just be able to really appreciate where we're at.   I don't want to be caught up in cleaning, cooking, driving, stressing, and doing but instead focus on those (not-so-) little (anymore) hands and feet and remember that one day I won't have them around my house anymore.   I guess its the same as how you see your spouse every day but life is so busy that you don't even realize how much you both have changed until you look back at that photo album from the first year you were dating.  You both die at how much older you've gotten and how happy and naive you look back then.  Not to mention how shocking it is that your husband fell in love with you at all considering your hair then!!   

Distractions help you miss the subtle changes so you can really appreciate the mornings when clothes don't fit and tiny hands don't fit as tiny in yours.  They give you a chance to really see how far things have come but, its still not cool.  My little Oliver is about to leave little boy land for good and it'll be no time before he strolls down to breakfast listening to his iPod and texting on his Blackberry.   I won't even realize how much time has gone by the morning I wake up and help him move into a dorm.  Not cool at all.  So when we go to the mall to replace his jeans once again I will try not to focus on how irritating it is to shop with children.  I will not lose it when I have to ask him for the 5th time to stand still and look in the mirror.  I will try my hardest to enjoy the moment even when its not enjoyable, remembering that these times are as fleeting as the jeans I bought him a month ago.  And speaking of fleeting so were these Oreos...pure, chocolate joy.

Crafty Time

If you looked up the word procrastination in the dictionary.  Well, wait a minute does anyone even use the dictionary anymore?  I guess I should say if you googled the word procrastination you would see my picture pop up.  I guess I like the adrenaline rush of doing things last minute or something.  Or maybe its just I don't like doing things that I don't like doing.  For instance putting pictures in albums, dusting, cleaning out the coat closet, or buying socks (see previous post).  But give me a crafty project and I can't wait to start.  Over the last month I have had a couple of opportunities to put my crafty-ness to work and I loved it!! And even better these projects were basically free.  My first idea came from some old sweaters I was about to take to Goodwill.  I was sick of staring at the basket of clothes that I intended to take to Goodwill for weeks.  Again I was procrastinating so it had been sitting in my dining room but all that staring gave me an idea.  I could use the sleeves of the sweaters to make a cool covering for a vase.  The cable-knit would look very Fallish and cozy.  One problem: the vases were in the basement which I only enter if there is an emergency.  So far the only emergency has been to grab a spare bottle of ketchup from the fridge down there and even that caused full body shivering that lasted well after I had shut the door back and checked my hair for spiders.  These vases were no where near that level of necessity.  "Dip dip" is crucial in this house.  Vases not so much.  Turns out I had three empty soup cans sitting on my counter that would work perfectly.  I added a little ribbon and voila...cute Fall vases and a cute (if I do say so myself) way to display some photos.  Oliver happily collected some branches from our yard and I simply clipped the pictures and a little note to them.

My first project was for a special opportunity I get every few months.  I volunteer at a great place here that houses young girls and their babies.  It offers these girls a place to live and assistance while they go to school and get on their feet.  The girls are all under 18 and would not otherwise have a stable environment to raise their kids.  I just kind of stumbled across this place and immediately felt like I wanted to do something to volunteer.  Even though our lives couldn't be more different, at the end of the day we are all moms and I can't imagine doing that job without the help of a husband or just having basic necessities.  I tried to think of something out of the ordinary that they wouldn't normally have and to me that was having pictures of your kids.  So now I go and just take casual fun pictures since I am NOT a professional and they get to have little keepsakes.  So my cheap-y vase project was the perfect way to gift them their pictures.

*dust bunnies not included

My next project was to crate some kind of cute center piece for my brother-in-law's rehearsal dinner.  I just re-vamped this idea and it was all still pretty much free.  I got a roll of burlap ($3) and covered some wine bottles (supplied by my in-laws) and again raided the yard for branches.  They were a fun, easy personal touch that night!

BONUS: I kept the wine bottles for a cool Thanksgiving centerpiece!

My last project has been really fun.  I originally made them for a birthday brunch for my mom and oldest sister.  I cut scrapbook paper into rectangles, glued it to cardboard (that I had from two UPS deliveries that week) and then glued questions on the card.  The questions were things like "My favorite thing about you is..." or "When I think of you the word that comes to mind is..." and other fun things that were all about the birthday girls.   It was a great way to make the day all about them!  I re-used this idea at the rehearsal dinner and made the question about the happy couple.  The answers ranged from sentimental to hilarious to downright racy.  The perfect combination for a wedding weekend if you ask me!  Oh, and most importantly I placed a box (purchased for cheap at Homegoods) at the guests of honors seats.  The cards were placed in there so that they can read them anytime they want a stroll down memory lane.  Unfortunately I can't find my pics from the bday but you get the idea...